Many years ago when I was stationed on the west coast doing my patriotic duty of keeping the United States Air Force in top fighting form I and a bunch of my friends went out for a good meal and some cutting up one weekend. Before you jump to any silly conclusions let me say right here and now that these pals of mine were all fine and upstanding citizens so there wasn’t that much cutting up going on. But if you are one of those who are unfamiliar with military life the fact is that you are always on the lookout for opportunities and excuses to get off base. Any excuse to run to town and goof off was a good one for us rabble-rowzers so we wound up patronizing the local Jack-In-The-Box on this particulare Saturday to enjoy some real food while catching up on the latest news from the barracks and bowels of our fine military institution.
That lunchtime rezdevous happened to be the first, and only, time I ever ate at a Jack-In-The-Box. Which is a real pity since I remember the food being quite good. But, more than the chow, I also remember their distinctive and entertaining printouts the waitresses set out on the tables for waiting customers to pass the time reading. One of the execs took the pains of compiling the funniest collection of late to work excuses which I assume are honest and actual excuses delivered from the mouths of actual employees and not some mish-mash thought up on a slow day by Jack’s advertising department. Legit or not it’s still a hoot and all my buddies got a kick out of reading it. I loved it so much that I couldn’t part with my copy so took it back to base with me and had it framed as a permanent conversation piece. I’ve had that printout for a long time now. It’s still in great shape and still cracks me up every time I read it. So in the spirit of good humor and because I’ve got little else to write about this week I will share with you the entire kaboodle of whacky and lame late to work excuses which I have been enjoying all these years. Needless to say there’s also some shameless promoting of Jack-In-The-Box cuisine included but that’s a small price to pay for reading it and I’m sure ol’ Jack will appreciate the plug. You owe me Jack!!!
Let the parade of excuses begin:
“A UFO landed in my friend’s wheatfield, and I had to help my friend assess the damage for the insurance guy.”
“The President stopped by the house seeking my advice on foreign affairs again. That guy just won’t leave me alone.”
I had to stop at Jack-In-The-Box for a huge ultimate breakfast sandwich with its 2 farm eggs, 2 slices of ham, 2 slices of melted cheese, and 4 pieces of bacon I just couldn’t resist it. Speaking of which, that’s a beautiful suit you’re wearing.”
“My psychic astrologer told me that I could leave for work on time only if Jupiter’s moon was ascending. It wasn’t.”
“Due to global warming and the melting of the polar ice caps, there was a freak tidal wave this morning. But only at my house, so you wouldn’t see it in the news or anything.”
“I went to Jack In The Box for a Supreme Croissant Farm fresh egg, bacon, melted cheese, ham….. it’s got it all. I was so satisfied, I fell asleep in my booth.”
“I started training for the 2004 Olympics in archery today, and the archery range didn’t open until late. That’s right, archery. Want to make something of it?”
“I thought last night was Daylight Savings, so I set the clock forward an hour. Or was it backward? Whichever one would make me late, that’s what I did.”
“I got a craving for your Sourdough Breakfast Sandwich, a farm fresh egg, ham, and 2 kinds of melted cheese on crunchy grilled sourdough bread. I still would have been on time, but it was so good I went back to get one for you. I ate that one too, but it’s the thought that counts, right?”
“I could’ve sworn my dog talked to me so I spent a whole hour excitedly trying to get him to say something else before I realized it was just the cat throwing his voice again.”
“The FBI showed up at my door asking all these questions about you. I didn’t tell them anything but is there anything you’d like to tell me?”
“Halfway to work I heard your name being called, again and again, real soft-like. It turned out to be your tasty French Toast Sticks along with some nice crispy bacon. I got some extra syrup in the car if you want it.”
“I went to the mall before work to get a really nice present for you, not for any occasion, but just to show my appreciation only to find out that the mall doesn’t open that early. So, in a way, it was your fault I’m late.”
“After getting a delicious breakfast at Jack-In-The-Box I realized that I forgot to get hashbrowns and O.J. to make it a true combo. Well, you know I’m not the kind to let a mistake go uncorrected. You wouldn’t want an employee like that would you?”
“I was waiting for the cable guy to come. Then I realized you don’t pay me enough for me to get cable, so I left. “
“I was up all night reading a book I just couldn’t put down. Not only am I tired, but do you have any idea how hard it is to drive to work while holding a book?”
“My car was stolen. Only for half an hour though. They they brought it back, and here I am.”
