Believe it or not, I had a great idea once. Yeah, it surprised my family and friends too. Certainly surprised the dickens out of me as I had no idea it was coming nor do they typically give you any warning. But let me tell you about it and see if you don’t think it was a great idea too. My great idea was saving all of my drinking straws and plastic utensils I used and taking them home for my own personal service rather than mindlessly tossing them in the can to be hauled off to the dump. Now tell me that ain’t a contender for the Nobel Prize? It oughta be if you ask me. Boy, when I get a brainstorm you know it’s gonna be a dilly for I’m a dangerous man when I get to thinking. And when my packrat tendencies wind up in cahoots with my utter disdain at throwing perfectly good items in the trash I’m liable to do something absolutely wild and crazy. Like set up an antique junk shop somewhere. Antique shops are genius ideas and there should be lots more of them out there pawning their perfectly good junk on sappy souls who can’t get enough of it. But I could never run an antique shop because I’m a packrat. And it’s well known that packrats are unsuitable for the business because packrat guys with packrat tendencies could never make it profitable. My antique business would go out of business in a week because the packrat in me couldn’t bear to part with anything in order to sell it. Such is the odd paradox of my curious and contemptible existence. We can’t make money, but then we don’t really need to do we? I can simply reuse all the junk I already have because I have a hundred lifetimes worth of junk stashed away and much of it in reasonably good shape.
But about my wild and crazy idea of saving all my plastic cutlery. Is it genius or is it just plain nuts?! I don’t know about you but the packrat in me gets all giddy just thinking about it. So much so that I’m finding new purpose and zest in life these days from saving society, saving the environment and saving a perfectly good buck as I squirrel away all the plastic forks, spoons, and straws that come into my possession. Hooray for intelligent recycling of cheap plastic! Its time has finally come and I’m a man on a mission. It’s high time that somebody did something with all those cheapo forks and spoons we thoughtlessly throw away. I’m sure I’m on to something big so work with me here. It may even start a revolution! I certainly hope it does because my house and den is so packed with plastic cutlery and straws and other things that it can scarcely hold much more. It’s getting to the point where I may have to rent storage space and move my bed and microwave in there if I keep this manic hoarding up. But I don’t mind living in a rental storage unit because I am a man on a mission so what do worldly comforts and possessions mean to me? Besides I can easily afford it as it would be bought and paid for from all the savings I’ve accumulated from a lifetime of hoarding and curating my vast and eclectic collection of plasticware that’s currently bursting the seams of my home and threatening a plastic avalanche of utensils on my unsuspecting neighbors.
I’ve got so many plastic utensils at home that I really do need to do something with them. Which brings me to my next great idea. Start a catering business! Now that’s something I actually can handle, packrat in me be damned. For I have the means of actually supporting myself by running my very own catering business which I will gladly do by reusing all those plastic forks, spoons, and knives I have patiently accumulated over the years. Since I don’t have to fritter away good money buying new plastic utensils for exorbitant retail prices it’ll be a snap getting my catering business up and going. Used plastic silverware has all sorts of benefits and it can be reused oodles of times assuming the thoughtless clods of the world don’t deliberately break them. And for all the cranks out there who might balk at the thought of using used plastic eating ware I will kindly remind them that my plastic utensils are not used because that is soooo twentieth century and we have left that paganism in the dust. No siree, the proper term is “pre-owned” because Americans are a pragmatic bunch who want nothing more than to keep up with the Jones because all their stuff is pre-owned too! Which they got from the Reynold’s down the street who had it kindly donated to them from the Wilberts across town. Those Wilberts are a funny bunch and there’s no telling where they got their loot from. But it’s as American as apple pie to use and borrow and swap and acquire pre (pre)-owned items because no sensible American would ever be caught dead or alive with used items in their house because that’s just trash fit only to be burned.
As a bonus for the colorblind and those pretending to be, I can even offer all my preowned forks, preowned knives, preowned spoons, preowned straws cups and plates in an assortment of attractive decorator colors for the enjoyment of children and for those who absolutely refuse to grow up because we all know children and fools aren’t getting enough color in their diets these days. I can live with children but I can’t suffer a fool. And if I have to kill one I’ll just stab him to death with a pre-owned plastic fork. Or several forks if he’s a feisty one and has something to say about my cooking. I sure don’t want to waste a good bullet on a worthless fool and Lordy knows I got enough forks to poke holes in an army of fools and spoons to beat them silly with.
Pre-owned goodies is what the world expects and what the world demands these days. The market for pre-owned plastic forks, spoons, knives, straws, plates and everything else is as big as it ever was and getting bigger by the day. Pre-owned plastic eating utensils is a very sensible choice for the all American catering business and goes very nicely with the pre-owned meatloaf and pre-owned green beans and pre-owned banana pudding I made from the pre-owned bananas that I acquired for a steal. Pre-owned stuff has class! If somebody paid for it once then it must have been a quality product and probably still is a quality product which gives it excellent value and tastes great even if it’s a bit seasoned from all that pre-ownership. Count yourselves lucky because even King Solomon in all his glory never got to eat his royal vittles with pre-owned and gently used plastic utensils did he?!! Of course not and I’m sure he’s up there in Heaven kicking himself right now for not even thinking of it. But then King Solomon was also the most hen-pecked guy who ever lived and having seven hundred wives running amuck and raising a fuss is probably what distracted him from thinking up that bit of genius. Oh well, so it goes.
I encourage you to get out there and find a packrat or two and make friends with them. Or, better yet, just make friends with me! I’m a likable guy. And I’ve got the coolest collection of plastic eating utensils you’re gonna find. You really ought to stop by sometime and see it. And I’ll remind you that you just never know when you’re going to need a pre-owned plastic fork for something. It happens at the most inconvenient of times and when it does who are you going to go to to get one?! I can fix you up in a jiffy because when you need a fork you need it RIGHT NOW!! And it better be pre-owned too because how will you know if it’s any good if it hasn’t already been used?! Makes sense to me. And you can even keep it with my regards. I sure don’t want it back.
