This weather has been too darn nice for January. And all that nice and pleasant weather has got my spring fever acting up. Spring fever is an awful thing and we ought to have a pill, a vaccine, or something to treat it as it’s a threat to our national security. Just how secure can we really be as a nation if most of the country can’t think of anything else except shorts and swimwear and parties and picnics and vacations???? I myself just had a major birthday and it’s not good for a guy my age to get all excited about women and swimsuits when it’s still January. That ain’t good for my heart ya know. Now that I’m officially a middle-aged geezer I have to be careful how excited I get cause it just ain’t very considerate to get my heart and my nerves all worked up in a tizzy. This country has enough problems without me getting all excited over young lasses running around half-naked all because they can’t till summer to get totally naked. It’s that sort of brazeness that we have to watch out for lest retail sales would crash right along with our economy all because people stopped buying clothes! It would be a national disgrace I tell ya and an embarrassment because Americans are some of the worst people to see running around in the buff. And we can’t have that now can we?! Don’t answer that unless you want to be deleted from my mailing list.
But if I don’t die from embarrassment or excitement then poverty will surely get me because who’s gonna stop me from running around to every garden center in the land while blowing all my moola buying plants and flowers to replace what I killed off last year? Spring fever is an insidious thing that drives a person plum out of their minds. No great loss if I lose mine and I say good riddance to that sucker. Thinking always got me into trouble anyway. But at least with a yard full of flowers and herbs to pacify me I won’t be too upset if I see a bunch of naked people running down the street. So if, heavens forbid, I do suddenly and unexpectedly kick the bucket from being flashed then I’ve got a bunch of flowers already bought and paid for that someone can decorate my tombstone with. I hope they at least dress up for my funeral.
