I’m going to be turning 50 in a few days. I really don’t consider it a big deal but certain others apparently do. Such as the legendary AARP. Clearly someone, somewhere, snitched to the AARP about this little secret of mine and I’d love to know who. But it doesn’t matter now as the secret is out and those fine folks are going all out in wishing me well while acquainting me with some of their many services. Virtually none of which I happen to have a microsecond of interest in at the moment. But that’s not stopping them since they do have some really deep pockets which they’re quite happy to blow on postage just to mail me their junk mail advertising their perks and services I don’t care about. But I’m not an ungrateful gent and I do try to reciprocate their kindness by finding new and novel uses for all that junk mail so that it isn’t a total waste.
For instance I can’t get enough scrap paper so I’m grateful for what they do send my way as it keeps my scrap paper reserves well stocked. I also enjoy making paper airplanes as does my cat. Going ballistic on the airplanes I fling at him helps to burn up some of that pent up energy in him while keeping his reflexes in tip-top shape. Who knows, I might even take up origami one of these days but that art has always struck me as difficult to learn. Anything more sophisticated than paper airplanes and wadded up paper balls is a bit more ambitious than I want to tackle.
Another thing about junk mail is it’s also a heck of an insomnia buster. Why just thinking about junk mail is enough to knock me out. I’m afraid to actually read it for fear that I may not wake up until spring. Yes, beauty sleep for me is more imortant than ever and I’m thankful for any sleep aids I can acquire at someone else’s expense. All my years of beauty sleep has yet to turn me into a hunk but it hasn’t been for a lack of trying.
Ah well, I’m still glad to be turning fifty even if I ain’t a hunk. And probably never will be. But as long as I keep getting junk mail I know I’ll never be lonely. Or cursed with insomnia.
